My dad’s store is closing this week after 12 years of being in the residential neighborhood of Ave A. I remember very clearly when the store first opened (I was 10!). It was a lot bigger than our last store, they sold everything from ice cream to shower curtains - it was so big! I loved the upstairs office, felt like a secret passageway or a hidden space that only those who knew about could enter. It was so much nicer than the basement, mice infested office in the last store. The deli guy would always make us bacon egg and cheese on a roll in the morning and a grilled chicken parm in the evening. Homeless man, Billy, was like our doorman and our usual customers were hipsters and foul mouthed, tattoo covered people or “artists”. We’ve had our share of robberies and unpleasant interactions within the staff. Seeing my parents work so hard and get stressed out over that would always be a source of sadness and pain for me, but seeing them be thankful for each customer and doing their best to treat them with respect and love as they checked out their groceries at the cash register made me so proud of them. I will miss playing the violin for the two cats in the beautiful remains of the Hollywood Theatre, that served as my practice space and performance stage this summer. I never realized until this summer what a cool, hip location our store was in. Some East Village perks including fun visits to Buffalo Exchange with my siblings, borrowing wireless internet from the bars on both sides of the store, St.Marks Place and Union Square being so close. There are good and bad moments, but all memories that are a part of me.
I will remember God’s faithfulness and showing Himself as our Provider through it all - the good and the bad. He has overflowed our vats and storehouses with blessings. I end now with the Lotto win sound bit! Dahn-dada-daaaaa! gbye
““If you center your life and identity on your spouse or partner, you will be emotionally dependent, jealous, and controlling. The other person’s problems will be overwhelming to you.
If you center your life and identity on your family and children, you will try to live your life through your children until they resent you or have no self of their own. At worst, you may abuse them when they displease you.If you center your life and identity on your work and career, you will be a driven workaholic and a boring, shallow person. At worst you will lose family and friends and, if your career goes poorly, develop deep depression.
If you center your life and identity on money and possessions, you’ll be eaten up by worry or jealousy about money. You’ll be willing to do unethical things to maintain your lifestyle, which will eventually blow up your life.
If you center your life and identity on pleasure, gratification, and comfort, you will find yourself getting addicted to something. You will become chained to the “escape strategies” by which you avoid the hardness of life.
If you center your life and identity on relationships and approval, you will be constantly overly hurt by criticism and thus always losing friends. You will fear confronting others and therefore will be a useless friend.
If you center your life and identity on a “noble cause,” you will divide the world into “good” and “bad” and demonize your opponents. Ironically, you will be controlled by your enemies. Without them, you have no purpose.
If you center your life and identity on religion and morality, you will, if you are living up to your moral standards, be proud, self-righteous, and cruel. If you don’t live up to your moral standards, your guilt will be utterly devastating.”
”
— Tim Keller
The Reason for God
Had my first interview ever on Tuesday. It was for a scholarship and I was a nervous wreck. I really didn’t want to go through with it because I get really uncomfortable in these settings, but I had to at least try or else I would regret it. With my dad closing the store, my brother starting school again and a smorgasbord of monthly payments to make, I had to give it a try.
So, I spent many weeks preparing the application, getting recommendation letters and then finally, the interview. I finish in half an hour aaaaand…I find out the next day, I got rejected. Can’t say I didn’t expect that, given how awful I did in the interview, but it still stung. Looking back, though, I do not regret doing it because it has proven to be a humbling experience. Easier said than done, but I feel it’s always better to try and be a fool than not try at all and remain perfectly prideful about not failing in life.
A first is a first. I know I’m not a good speaker - in fact, I’m terrible, I stutter and I’m clumsy with my words, but the important thing is that I tried. And with practice, I’ll get better. Plus the process of preparing really helped me get insight into my life goals. I never had to force myself to seriously consider what I want to do with my music career so intensely before. Writing my goals on paper really helped consolidate and strengthen my convictions to pursue my dream in playing chamber music professionally, doing outreach and teaching. I also learned how to better prepare for interviews in general and discovered the importance of praying for integrity. It’s hard to always give honest answers when your’e under pressure and trying to make a good impression. I regret not being entirely truthful myself because without honesty, a trait of righteousness, there is no peace and without peace, it’s impossible to be confident because confidence comes from God, who wants nothing of dishonesty. Confidence, I realized has nothing to do with being more charismatic and appearing assertive because I may be shy and appear “modest”, but I could still be confident. Confidence is enjoying who God made you and I to be.
Anyways, I digress. Rejection sucks, but I’ve come out the other side truly blessed. I wish I could have taken the financial burden of paying for grad school off my parents. That was my main motivation. I’m so tired of seeing them having to work so hard. Sometimes I think, if only I were a better violinist, if I had a brighter personality that grabbed people’s attention and if I wasn’t so socially inept, maybe I would be more successful… But, when ALL is said and done, God is sovereign. He is truly sovereign and rewards those who earnestly seek Him with Himself. So, I will not go down that rabbit hole.
On another note, I want to start drawing and coloring again. Something other than watching TV and going on Facebook to spend my practice breaks. I miss creating home-made cards and doodling…maybe I’ll start that again.
**This post took me waaay too long to post. 5 days! I told you, I’m very bad at thinking clearly and writing my thoughts in a cohesive manner. Hopefully writing this blog will help in that department. But… I just wanted to add that today marks the first official snow day and it’s beautiful.
